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Uncle Gary's Back Porch Gossip

Classic Insults for everyday fun!

So study hard because you better have some good ones to hang at Uncle Gary's!

Insults for the Stupid

Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today

Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing

Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own

He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory

He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words

I don't know what makes you so dumb He does the work of three men: Larry, Curly & Moe

As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market

As confused as a fart in a perfume factor

Trying to explain something to him is like trying to give a fish a bath

If she went to a mind reader they wouldn't bother charging

He has one of those mighty minds -- mighty empty.

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

If your I.Q ever reaches 10 ...sell!

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Insults for the Ugly

I never forget a face But in your case I'll make an exception


She could shade two midgets at high noon

She's got tits like a spaniel's ears

When she doesn't wear a bra it looks like two bulldogs fighting in a sack

She's got nipples like tax discs

She's so ugly that she fakes orgasms when she masturbates

He's so ugly that his parents used to tie a pork chop round his neck just to get the dog to play with him

She's so ugly that if her face was her fortune she would get a tax rebate

He's that ugly that he's living proof that the Indians fucked buffalo

She's so ugly that if she walked into a cornfield the crows would bring back the corn they stole last year

He's a real Don Juan with the ladies... the ladies Don Juan to have anything to do with him!

Do you know what would make you look really good? DISTANCE

His teeth are so yellow, when he smiles traffic slows down!

She has early American features....like a buffalo!

You look like Pat Boon's brother....Baboon!

You look like Tina Turners sister...Stomach Turner!

You look like Bob Hopes brother...No hope!

You're so ugly the tide wouldn't even take you out!

Insults for the Ho's

She's had more pricks than a second hand dartboard

She's kissed so many sailors her lips move in and out with the tide

They call her radio station because she is so easy to pick up

Insults for the boring


She's about as interesting as yesterdays shit

About as interesting as watching a scab form

This is as much fun as pissing on spark plugs

It's not so much as a barrel of laughs, as a vat of vomit

Insults for the Unwelcome


As welcome as a turd in a swimming pool

As welcome as a tampon at an orgy

As welcome as a reggae band at a Ku Klux Klan convention

There's a bus leaving in 10 minutes! be under it!

Miscellaneous Insults

As tight as a camel's ass in a sand storm

He's so mean that the only way to get a drink out of him is to stick two fingers down his throat

She's been up and down more times than a whore's drawers

She needs the rough end of a pineapple shoved up her ass

Hey buddy that's a nice shirt, what brand is it? Clearance?

He believes in a balanced diet -- a beer in each hand

He's money mad... he's never had any money, and that makes him mad.

No one can call him a quitter - he's always been fired from every job he's had!